Back in May, I submitted one of the photos from my Road Signs Of Italy post to the MyBowlAd Commercial contest over on FuelMyBlog, and I was just selected for the final round! I and nine other bloggers must now write the funniest possible blog post explaining why we deserve to win the grand prize; a trip to Hollywood to see the ad get filmed. I live in LA, so a trip to Hollywood would be pretty much gas money at best, so I really don’t think I deserve to win this contest. But in the grand tradition of American politics, I will now tear my opponents apart one by one and explain why they should not win either:

First up is Rachel Ann, from Washington. Her entry, a road sign that reads “Humptulips River” is a strong entry, I won’t lie. But Rachel is a confirmed puppy kidnapper and cannot be trusted. If you want to see this contest go to a woman with over 400 stolen puppies in her front closet, by all means, throw your vote away.

Next we have the Media Morgue, whose entry features a road hazard sign lying on the ground covered in mud and run over. Here is why to not vote for this entry: it was taken during Burning Man, a notorious hangout for hippies, peacenicks, and other louts. The author of this entry admits to have been involved for 10 years in this organization, thus a vote for this entry is a vote for anarchy.

Andy Whitehead has a good first name, and that is where my praise ends. His entry, a picture of himself as a boy in front of a sign reading “Much Natter”, is supplemented with a baby picture of himself as well. Do not allow this man to manipulate your emotions with such blatant pandering to the Cuteoverload crowd! While you were distracted by his childhood pictures he may have slipped this little fact under your radar: HE’S ENGLISH. If you want the Redcoats to win, by all means I can’t stop you, but a vote for Andy is a vote against everything the Superbowl stands for.

Smartie submitted a sign with some seriously broken English that is, I will admit, funny. But this person cannot be trusted for one second. Smartie, if that is even her real name, is a criminal of the highest order, and comes from a long line of criminals. Smartie’s people were so bad they were shipped from Andy’s terrible country to an isolated continent in the middle of nowhere to die. They did not die, they got drunk, and then they multiplied, and now apparently someone piped in the Internet to them and they are blogging. Voting for Smartie is almost worse than voting for Andy.

Next up, Andrew Ian Dodge, blogger and lead singer for a band called Growing Old Disgracefully. and another thieving Redcoat. This man will kill your children in their sleep if you vote for him. Throw his tea back into the harbor and tell him we won’t pay his taxes anymore!

Here comes Ben Sparks with a sign reportedly spotted in the window of a barber shop, but I am here today to tell you that this picture is a forgery. I have very good information that this sign was created by none other than Ben Sparks himself! That’s right, I can’t reveal my sources (and as a blogger I don’t have to) but I can promise you that this entry is fake, and the man behind it wants to steal his way to the Superbowl. Will you let him steal your favorite holiday? Will you? It costs $3,000,000 to buy an ad in the Big Game, if you don’t do something about it, Ben will waltz right in for the cost of a white board and a dry erase pen.

Make room for Bonaparte’s Retreat, because if you don’t, this Irish blogger will stab you. That’s right, he will head butt your mother and stab you. His entry to this contest is a pretty darn funny road sign that speaks to anyone who has experienced the lunacy of rogue road sign makers. Now I have railed against the English and the Australians enough, and the poor Irish have suffered throughout history. But that does not mean you should vote for this one, because as I said, he will stab you.

Angela submitted a picture of a Geo Metro with a BMW logo stuck to it. This is a fine entry. But in her blog she sinks lower than Andy could ever have hoped to. In a single entry she posted multiple pictures of her kids and a LOLcat. That is right, she brought in the nuclear option of cute and funny to attempt to sway the crucial Cuteoverload swing vote. Despicable. She is also a terrorist.

Thomas Desfossez is French.

There you go, that is my competition. Sure, voting for me robs one of these bloggers the chance to fly all the way to LA to see the sights and be in the ad. Sure, my own entry may be the weakest of all 10 finalists, but do you want this collection of thieves, liars, criminals, and worst of all, terrorists to win? A vote for me is a vote against them. I say vote now, vote strong, vote for freedom. Go America!!!!!